pets

I've concluded that we're bad at pets. And yet, here I sit, just four months after our last failed attempt... wanting a dog.

Some back story:

When C and I married, I had a pug named Goober. And he was every bit as silly as his name. I got him when I was a Junior in high school. And I loved that dog more than I love most humans.

Several years into our married life, Goober managed to escape during a potty break one night. He was fatally hit by a car. And it was heart breaking.

I've had a lot of pets in my life - that's one thing my parents pretty much always let us have - and, yet, I've only ever experienced real bonds with a few of them. And I definitely think it's one of those things that you can't understand unless you've experienced it. As insane as that sounds.

We have our Yorkie, Aiko. Who, bless her, in all truth was a "rebound puppy" to losing Goober. We had a lab/dane mix for several years, before she was rehomed due to severe behavioral issues. We had a Great Dane for all of four months before learning he had a rare bladder disease. He only lived to the age of two. We had a bunny for not even a month before learning I was severely allergic to not only the bunny but also the hay he ate. Then, on my 30th birthday, my husband got me Zeke. Our Black Russian Terrier that broke me.

I've wanted a legit guard dog for a while. Not because anything horrible has ever happened that made me want one. But, just for the added security and companionship - and I love big dogs. Now that C works remotely, it means he also travels a lot for work - roughly 3-5 times a year. And I'm a clingy wife. I get lonely. I get extremely paranoid. Sure, I could get a gun. But, you'd be amazed what I can sleep through. And cuddling with a gun just seems weird.

We brought Zeke home in August, and he was set to start his first training course in November. But, the poor pup was always sick. Sick with stomach stuff. Around the holidays it was getting really out of control. And we'd taken him to the vet so many times with no answers, that that was getting out of control too. And we're not talking about a five pound dog here. We're talking about a sixty pound dog - who was also about forty pounds under weight for his breed and age. Something was clearly wrong. And he'd become skeletal. There were legitimate conversations about having him put down. 

We switched dog foods a million times, before going on an expensive prescription dog food. We did medicines. We felt like we'd done everything. And we basically just ran out of resources to handle it (including emotionally). I realize that makes us sound like bad dog owners. But, we were just at. our. limit. 

Finally, we learned the expensive food we'd been feeding our dog was involved in a lawsuit. I reached out to the lawyers on the case, and sure enough, it was the brand and type of food we'd been feeding him. There were at least eight different kinds of heavy metals found in this food. We're currently added to this lawsuit, but they told us it will likely take years before it comes to a close.

Talk about heart breaking. We're running up vet bills and shoving medicines down this poor dog, meanwhile poisoning him with the food we were feeding him. It crushed me. It will forever be hard for me to handle this fact.

His quality of life will be impacted forever, and his life-span drastically shortened. He'll forever be on a special dog food and gut-health medicine. It's sad. It's just... sad.

In May (before we'd even officially concluded what was going on) he went to go live with a gentleman more able to care for him. I only held it together as much as I did, for my kiddo. Who we also thoroughly crushed with this entire experience. #parenting

Had we known then, what we ended up knowing - which was that there is a valid treatment plan that could stabilize his issues, I don't think we'd have made the same decision. Which makes it all even harder.

[four months later...]

But, I need a big dog. It's just down in my soul. I want a dog that can/will go hiking, that can actually play with N, that can go running with C in the mornings. I want a dog that can eat bad guys, should we ever need them to.

And, yet, (sigh) I need another dog like I need a hole in the head.