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Today, the weight of my age hit me. I turned thirty without batting an eye. I recently celebrated thirty-one without any bother of it at all.

But today, when I dropped off my only child for his first day of kindergarten, it snapped something inside of me. I came home feeling like my heart was shattered - I realize that's dramatic, but it's also true. I came home feeling... old. Like the rest of my life is already spelled out. My kid is in school full-time. He is of an age where he is legally obligated to be there. It's no longer an option, and while, sure, he's still a young child, it's weird to think about him spending more time being educated than he'll spend at home. It's weird to think that this will become the new normal. That this new schedule is what we will do for the rest of his years at home. And then I'll blink, and he'll be leaving me for college. I realize I'm seriously glazing over a lot of in between stuff, but it'll just be so different now. His baby years are gone. His toddler years are gone. He will need me less and less with each day. Sure, sure, kids always need their mothers or whatever crap it is they say to soothe the sting of it all. But the truth is, my kid is on a path to needing me less everyday. So... what now?

I have loved being a stay at home parent. It has been a blessing that I will hold dear to my heart for my whole life. But, imagine having the best job in the world, and time taking it away from you. It's made harder by the fact that it's completely out of my control. I can't stop him from growing. I can't slow down time. And right now, it sucks.

I thought the fact that my kiddo isn't going to a traditional school would help, too. I thought it would ease my mind, help me feel good about it. It hasn't. Today, I feel unsettled; I feel sad. It's not even about today, not really. It's about what my kid becoming school-aged means for me. Suddenly, I'm feeling like my phone lost signal and my GPS can't tell me where to go. Where is my destination?

In my time spent whining about this, I've gotten some of those looks. You know, the ones that say, yep, she's crazy. Someone even commented to me, "just take the win, enjoy your time alone now." If you know me, you know that I'm not that person. I hate being alone - at all. I'm also passionate about the things that I do. I pride myself on being good at the things that I do.

So... what am I doing now... ? I'll let you know if I ever figure it out.