revelation

I decided to make a surprise visit to Missouri this past week. I hadn't even decided if I was truly going to make the trip until the night before, because my husband wasn't going to be able to go with me. 

The thought of getting through all the airport stuff, one connection, two plane rides, a shuttle ride and car rental, and then a 3 hour car ride alone with a 6 month old was just too intimidating. 

I talked to my mom on the phone the day before the planned surprise, still unsure if I would go or not. It was what enforced my decision. I always get a little sad when I talk to her. She's been the kind of grandma to my brother's kids that every kid should have. She loves and spoils, yet disciplines too. She plays with them, she actually talks to them like they're little people and not just kids. She adores them, but she's not the kind of grandma that wants to raise her grandkids. She doesn't overstep. She's just their grandma. 

Every time she asks about N I have a tugging downcast about the fact that she won't see him as much as she does the girls. She'll see him more than she thinks she will, but still. 

I decided the family going 4 months without seeing him was missing too many of his infant milestones.

So we set out at 8:30am Pacific Time to make our trip. N was more perfect than I could've hoped for getting through airport security, on both of the plane rides, and even during our layover. Once getting to the rental car place, I guess he was done with it all. He literally screamed for like an hour and a half of the drive to PB. I even stopped twice to make sure it wasn't something with the car seat (we'd rented one with the car to lighten my luggage load). We arrived at 12:30am Central Time. That was like a 14 hour day for us. We were drained. 

Of course, N didn't sleep well any of the nights we were in. I'm afraid he's already a homebody like his daddy. He was excellent the first few days, but that last day and night I think he was just over the whole trip. Poor guy.

N has already flown several times. We had the trip to Texas and the Move to SF. He's always done so well on the plane rides. We've always gotten a wealth of compliments from passengers. Our return flights were a different story. He was clearly tired, but just wouldn't fall asleep for some reason. So he whined. Not like the cliche screaming baby on planes, but he was just so whiny... and he did eagle scream a few times.

We were ready to be home. 

While I was in PB, it felt like any other visit we've made there over that past several years. When I visited Cape, though, it was different. It was harder. Driving through the place that has been my home for the last seven years and knowing it's not my home anymore made me miss it. I love Cape. I really do. Maybe not so much it as the people who live there, but I guess that boils down to the same thing. Even so, toward the end of the visit I don't know how many times I thought, "I'm just so ready to be home." 

Home.

Alameda has started feeling like home without me even realizing it. 

I missed the perfect, cool, breezy weather. I missed the city feel of my day. I missed my stuff. Of course, it was just ridiculous how much I missed my husband. I missed the Saturday food trucks! And the beach. Hilarious longings for a place I was only gone from for 5 days - except the husband one, any amount of time away from him feels like too much. 

The weather might've contributed to that more than anything. I stepped out of the STL airport and was like, "Holy humidity, I have not missed you." I hate being hot. So does N. He doesn't handle it well at all, maybe as he gets older he'll develop a higher tolerance for it, but we pretty much had to stay inside the whole time we were down.

I like figuring out how much I like it here. I hate that my family isn't here, but it's not like we're going any extended lengths of time without seeing them.

This is my home, for now. I'm glad that has finally settled in.